Asking for help is hard. It is really hard for me. To not be able to provide for my family. To be 35 and to be so dependent on my mothers help. I know that staying home and raising my sons is what I have to do. I know it is what I want to do. I know it is what they needed.
Let’s be realistic, you just can’t put autistic kids in a daycare and go about your day. They couldn’t go one whole day of school without me having to come get them. So the choice to stay home and not be able to work wasn’t really even a choice. The life we have had to lead was worth it.
I gave up going out with friends for bringing my son out of his head. I gave up new clothes for watching my son make new creations. I gave up working and having a social life, for teaching my son his life was worthwhile.
I know that other people call me a sponge. I have been called worse. I have been shamed for having to live off my sons SSI and getting food stamps. I have been stared at as my child needs to stop and spin in the middle of the grocery isle and I don’t stop him. I get comments that my almost 10 year old son still rides inside the cart at the grocery store.
I say I don’t care, but I do. I care when people look at my child and see something defective. That child who fights a war inside himself everyday and has never said a cruel word to anyone. Who loves to hug and laugh and hates when people hurt. If he needs to spin please let him spin. I hate that we live in poverty. I feel like I should be able to give them things that I can’t. I feel like a failure that I constantly have to say no.
“No, Eph, I can’t buy you that deck of pokemon cards you want.”
“no, River, I can’t get that book today.”
“No, I cant……..”
“There just isn’t the money, I’m sorry”
They know that things are just things, but children are allowed to want things. They are ok with not getting the things. They usually understand and don’t give me grief.
Having to tell them “No, I can’t keep you in this home you love. I can’t stop this from happening. I don’t know where we are going to go. I don’t know if you can keep your pets. I don’t know if we will be near your school, or your friends”
I hate having to say those words to them.
I read every post in this blog this morning. There aren’t many I know, but I reread them all. The sad ones, the one where I was scared the kids weren’t making friends. The ones where I talked about how living here has changed them. The one where I celebrated with all of you, the joy of seeing River have a real birthday party with friends. Finally the one saying I have to take these babies away from all of this.
I don’t know where we are going. I am scared. I don’t know if this is going to make me have to stop school again. Which will slap me with the student loan payments. I don’t know where we will end up. I don’t know how far back this will take my kids. How much will they have to lose.
Ephraim is going backwards. He needs hugs all day. He is sucking on his shirt and his fingers and his chewy necklace. He is calling me momma again. He is having more trouble with his bowel issues. He is slipping backwards. He is scared of everything.
I don’t want to lose all that I have gained with my baby.
My other mother messaged me this morning and encouraged me to start a gofundme page. She isn’t the first person who suggested it. I feel ashamed. I feel like I have no right to ask the world to help us. As she said,
“I think if you describe your situation, like you did this past week in your blog, lots of people would want to help. What do you have to lose?? Nothing! However, if you don’t try it, you have lots of possibilities that you could lose out on.”
She is right, what can I lose. My children deserve me trying every option out there.
SO here it is. Me reaching out and asking the world. Please help me give them a real home that will always be theirs.